The depression is back

I think my trying to go to therapy over the last two months was pointless.  I am a disgusting human being, a fraud and a liar.

Goodbye.

I met someone new…

…and it ended in disaster.  Two weeks ago, an employee at my work visited our office from L.A.  We hit it off really well, but he had to go back to L.A.  We kept in touch through phone calls and texting.  I actually started to develop some fondness for him.  Of course, I took it too far and told him that I like him (a little more than I should).  He said that he would prefer to stay friends. 

He came back this week, and we spent a little time together.  Got along really well.  Thought maybe he was changing his mind, but I was wrong.  He mentioned that he still had feelings for his ex.  He tried to give me advice on my clothing, saying that I dressed too boring and wasn’t happy.  It’s not like I was trying to start a relationship (maybe I was), but I was shot down before I even had the chance.

He and my boss spoke about me (not about our feelings), both deciding that I need to go back to school so I don’t end up an Assistant for the rest of my life.  Some of my emails and texts were very self-depracating.  He made a note to tell me that I am not ugly and not fat, but that I should go to the gym.

I am so tired of people telling me what I need to do to make my life better.  I don’t want to.

I have people in my life who love me, but I don’t love them.

I don’t want to better myself, I don’t want to be disappointed, and I don’t want to go on.

This all needs to end.

No Road to Recovery Begins…

I am starting this blog to determine my reasonings for, and the events leading up to, the time I commit suicide.  I have not been to a doctor for any diagnosis, nor do I care to. My reasons, I believe, are not because of any mental illness or disorder. I am also not suffering from any terminal illness. My reasons for suicide are more of a realization of the worthlessness of my existence.

I am 27-year-old male, living in the northeast United States. I have chosen to exclude any further details regarding my identity to prevent anyone from intervening in my decision. I do not have a timeline for my suicide. Only when I have made full plans for those closest to me, and have hopefully laid out all necessary items, actions, and responsibilities for afterwards, will I then be prepared to take my own life. I will not involve anyone else in the decision, preparation, or action, nor will I cause physical harm to anyone else in the process.

Here are some of the following reasons for my decision:

1. I have lied to everyone around me, and the consequences for my lies will end in disaster once they are revealed.

2. I am not content with my current relationship.

3. I have no direction for any career or long-term plans

4. I am never happy with anyone I have ever dated, and am not a suitable person to be with.

5. I obsess about killing myself almost every day.

6. I am extremely emotional over the smallest of things, and void of emotion during major life events.

7. I take no significance in the value of my life and the lives of my family and friends.

8. I make no contribution to society.

Over the next few weeks, these reasons (and more) will be flushed out so that, hopefully, a full explanation is detailed.

I do not object nor will I discourage any comments from those encouraging or those who would like to prevent my suicide. You are entitled to your opinions.